Merry Fricken’ Christmas
by ShadowFax999
Summary: It's Christmas dinner and the food is all laid out, but the professor does not want ot shut up! What are poor hungry mutants to do? Madness ensues with a splash of Romy, a hint of Jonda and a healthy serving of Jott. Enjoy!


Merry Fricken' Christmas

So the fist scene opens with a nicely decorated X-Mansion, icicle lights, literally (thanks Bobby!), holly and an overall serene and Christmas-y looking atmosphere. We zoom into the mansion, going past the wreath covered oak doors, which inconspicuously opens to allow for us to venture to where the real action is.

Past the foyer and into the main dining area our sights rest on a grand table, full with delectable food, hungry children lining both sides anxiously awaiting the bald head man with a peculiar shine to finish his Christmas speech so they can dig in.

The few teachers seated alongside the headmaster were not faring too well either…

'By Goddess, what could Charles possibly hope to accomplish by lecturing hungry children! Surely he must have picked up on some stray thoughts by now!'

'Dammit Chuck! Self healing doesn't do much for hungry stomachs! Growl_Skint_. Heard that Chucky boy! Turtle soup tonight!'

'Oh my stars and garters, I do believe it is the professor's objective to starve us. Well it is as Syrus says; Keep the golden mean between saying too much and too little. If only Charles would acquaint himself with poor Publillius…Oh darn I'm shedding again. I wonder what Kurt uses?'

Meanwhile the student body was not coping as well as the teaching staff…

'Jean?' Scott called via their mind-link. 'I think I've come up with a plan to stop the professor's tirade. It'll take a team effort but I think we will be successful in pulling it off.'

'Scott sweetie? I don't believe you can round up a team effort right now.'

'What? Why? Everyone's hungry and its torturous to have the professor go on and on and on with a big slab of turkey in front of you. Drools meat…'

'Scott, the X-Men are a little distracted at the moment.'

To explain exactly what she meant, she projected various images to her boyfriend summarising the on goings of their team-mates.

* * *

_Flash 1__ – Bobby and Rahne _

"Hey Rahne, you want to taste some bourbon?" Remy had given him a bottle for Christmas, so he figured he'd live up to the Cajun's expectations and cause mass mayhem.

"Aye Bobby!" exclaimed the excited underage mutant.

"The only catch is that you have to morph into your wolf form."

Pondering at the odd request she conceded, decided that it was worth it. Bending under the table, as inconspicuously as possible she morphed and took a large gulp and promptly began to cough.

_End Of Flash 1_

* * *

Everyone looked up in time to see the still the still coughing Rahne, de-morph and rise from her position under the table, near the vicinity of Bobby's lap…

Well we can all figure out what was going through everyone's mind which was only cemented by the fact that the Scot was blushing and flushed and the prankster was wearing his, It-wasn't-me-I'm-not-guilty expression.

They didn't realised what exactly it looked like and after a moments pause, the professor ignored the interruption and continued his tirade.

Scott groaned mentally and resumed the link with Jean. 'What is it with Bobby's obsession with getting dogs drunk?'

'I wouldn't peak into that kid's mind if you paid me to. Anyway want to see what the rest of the team is up too?'

'How come you're breaking into peoples' minds, I though you telepaths had some sense of honour or something.'

Sends mild telepathic blast 'Scott Summers I DO NOT break into peoples' minds! How dare you! You self righteous bastard! People are projecting and I'm just more observant! Humph!'

Scott mentally groans Wow Jean, you really rocked my world…groans

* * *

_Flash 2 – Tabitha and Amara_

"Hey Amara!" whispered the girl affectionately known as Boom Boom, "Let's play a game."

"I'm not so sure Tabby." Replied the cautious girl, fully aware of what her idea of games was.

Ignoring her royal companion she continued, "Let's see who can jump the highest…"

Producing a small enough firecracker to make an impact but not destroy any property, physical or anatomical, she threw the first one at Bobby.

_End of Flash 2_

* * *

Groans 'Honey? Warn me next time you decide to rapidly flash various images through my head, will you?

_**Boom**_

_Shriek_ Jump Randomly shoots ice blast.

"Ahh!" yelled the bulky Russian, who was unfortunate enough to sit opposite the Iceman, earning him an iced foot as collateral damage of Bobby's Reaction.

Sniggers "That was so cool! I am sooo brilliant!"

"Tabby!" Chided an amused Amara, she discretely shot some heat at Colossus' foot. However she did not average correctly and super heated his foot.

"Mother Russia!" yelled Piotr as he jumped and subsequently knocked the table upwards; Kurt who had been drifting off to sleep, awoke with a start and subconsciously ported… unfortunately he ported gripping the table in his hands.

"KURT!!!!" Everyone yelled as Roberto who had been asleep on the table promptly fell off the floor, causing Sam to also end up on the floor as he laughed his ass off his friend.

Jean reacted the fastest levitating the food in the air and preventing the worst disaster since Iraq, because not even the greatest telepath in the world would be able to withstand the wrath of hungry mutant kids.

Whilst everyone projected a mental _thank you_ to the telepath of the day, the all failed to notice the confused German above them now straining with the weight of the huge table, perched on the room's ceiling.

"Mein Gott!" was all that was heard before the table came crashing down.

…

….

….

…

* * *

Dum dum dum dum!!!!! TO BE CONTINUED….

Professor X: I AM not finished with my Tirade _homo sapien_! Besides, this is a one shot retard!

Me: How dare you! I am nOt a ReTaRd! _Poopyhead_! (If Ne1 reads my multi chapter fic, It's the Little Things, you'll understand the humour)

Deep Announcer's voice: _We now return to the Christmas special_

_ The X-Men's Merry Fricken'__ Christmas_

* * *

"Mein Gott!" was all that was heard before the table came crashing down.

A feral cry was hear as Wolverine, hungry for action sprang into… action and sliced and diced the poor table to naught but kindling was left of ole faithful.

Unfortunately the authoress used the wrong word as the resident pyromaniac perked up at the inadvertent suggestion.

Drools "Firewood!" Proclaimed the pugnacious Pyro, promptly pulling out his most prized possession.

Fortunately his wicked witch of the West, well aware of his wayward intensions, hexed his zippo to prevent further chaos. Unfortunately she miscalculated, as the Bourbon bottle had made its way around the table a few times by now, and accidentally caught the Angel's wing on fire.

"Bloody hell!" was all Angel, who was warily sitting between Pyro and Gambit, could yell as his wings trashed about wildly, in an attempt to put out the smouldering appendages.

Well Murphy's Law was in full play, so why exclude our favourite Southern couple?

"Oof!" One of Angel's wings knocked over our devilishly handsome Cajun, who toppled into our resident Southern Belle, ending with the both of them crashing to the floor.

Luckily for the Cajun, his quick reflexes allowed him to be cushioned from the offending floor, by landing fully onto the startled Rogue, with his hips being fortuitously straddled by her knees and his face plum in the centre of her bosoms.

Groans "Oh Rogue-y! Remy's in heaven… M' tink m' paralysed!" He weakly attempted to get up, only to drop himself back into the most comfortable position they had guilelessly ended up in. Remy took this opportunity to snuggle closer into the comfortable mounds, inhaling deeply.

Growls "Be careful what you wish for bub, it's Christmas and I'm more than willing to oblige." _Skint_

"Eep! Remy's up! Remy's up!" Remy quickly scampered off Rogue, not without coping one last feel, obviously and graciously offered a hand to the Rogue on the floor.

She slapped away his hand and hauled herself up, brushed off herself and when she was sure Logan had been distracted elsewhere… she slapped his _fahine_ Cajun behind and barked, "Bad Cajun!"

Grinning like a fool he righted their chairs and allowed himself to be swept up by his imagination, instigated by the dominatrix Rogue.

Meanwhile, Jean's telepathy began to weaken so Bobby decided that he could be of service after all and made an iced dining table.

"Well wasn't that brilliant Bobby, what took you so long Ice brain?" sneered Emma Frost, a new recruit with an attitude to rival Rogue's.

"What? Now there's a table to match your personality Ice Bitch! Besides, you're a telepath! Why the hell didn't you help Jean?"

"What? And insult the great Phoenix?" rolls eyes

Suddenly a bowl of pudding innocently slid off the ice table and onto Frost's lap.

shriek "Jean you swine!" sends psychic blast across table hitting a pumpkin pie and splattering…

"Oh my stares and garters, now how in heaven am I going to rid my fur of the stench Ms. Frost?"

"Heh, Mr. McCoy…" tries to ease her way out of dining room

"No way are you getting away that easy Frost!" pelts the young psychic with a bowl of gravy

Shriek "I'm wearing cashmere you retard! You have any idea how HARD IT IS levitates mashed potatoes TO REMOVE levitates casserole STAINS FROM levitates cranberry CASHMERE!

All levitating food items begin revolving in a very familiar manner…

"Psh! I can do that" grumbled Wanda, pissed at the fact that Ice bitch was imitating her style.

At this point there is a pregnant pause as the objects continue to revolve but everyone is waiting of the obvious.

Jean mentally sends out a quick message to a few select senior team-mates, Rogue, Gambit, Scott, Wanda and John, 'Duck!'

As Frost released her arsenal, the younger mutants and the teachers were all splattered as the war cry was heard, "FOOD FIGHT!"

As the previously mentioned occupants crawled to freedom, the teachers tried to regain order.

"Settle Down X Men! I was not finished-"

splat "Shut up baldy!" growl

pout "You shut up! Or I'll call Eric for you! Shorty!"

However, our senior X-men seemed to have other things on their mind as they gathered in the foyer.

"Ah call the roof"

"The Sheila an' I call the basement"

"Right, and ma and Scott will take the hanger…"

"Alors, now p'tites we all go our separate ways…" Slinging a hand around Rogue's waist they began making their trek upstairs, whilst the others ran off, in Jean case giggling and in Wanda's case already moaning, to their designated areas of entertainment.

"Hey guys where you heading?" came the innocent queried from mutant manor's youngest occupant.

"Jamie! Why aren't you inside having a good time smearing Rahne with goat cheese or something?"

"I saw you and Remy come out so I wanted to know if you're ok."

"Oh we're fine sweetie. Ah jus' got hungry and Rems here just offered to feed me some of his gumbo"

stifles laugh "Oui p'tite, now why don' you go back inside and hav y'self some fun, eh p'tite?"

"Ok Remy!" As he turned to go inside Remy called out back to him.

"Eh p'tite, why don' you hold onto Remy's cool shades, and if anyone asks, we went down to the danger room. Ok p'tite?"

"Thanks Remy! No probs, gotcha!" trying on the too-large-for-his-face shades he struck a mission impossible pose and headed back into the action.

Climbing up to the roof Rogue questioned Remy as he stared as her ass whilst climbing after her, being a perfect gentleman as always, "Now why did ya tell Jamie where Wanda and John went."

Shrug He hauled himself up and walked her to a secluded part of the roof where two slopes met, invisible to anyone scanning the roof. "well, amour, I'd rather no one interrupts us whilst you're tasting Remy's gumbo- oof!"

Satisfied that she hit him hard enough she settled down beside him and allowed his wandering hands a chance to roam.

"And besides, why not scare and scar them whilst we have a chance."

"Shut up and kiss me Cajun!" Growled and impatient Rogue.

Pressing a kiss to her lips, he murmured, "Merry Frickin' Christmas Roguey"

* * *

A/N: Well that was odd, hope you people like. I had a horrible Christmas so hope everyone else fared better. Drop me a review and you can have yourself some gumbo under the stars on a cold Christmas night, get hot heavy and down right dangerous in the Danger Room or familiarise yourself with the leather seats of the Blackbird.

Does anyone know the song/artist that inspired the title of this one shot? Tell me what you guys think!

Merry Frickin Christmas and a Happy God Damned New Year!


End file.
